That Drifting Excrement Was Far Too Symbolic! It's the Television Disappointments of the Past Year.
Looking back, we reflect on the television offerings of the past year, a handful of shows emerge not for their brilliance, but for their notable failures. Ranging from awkward sequels to confusingly bad documentaries, here are the programmes that had us utterly bewildered or just reaching for the remote.
And Just Like That
How to start with this divisive follow-up? Burdened with woeful scripts, cringe-inducing arcs (we demand better for Miranda!), and a mere 71 seconds of beloved Samantha, the series fought to find its footing. Briefly, as the third season started, it seemed as if it had finally found its groove. Then came an episode all about Seema’s natural deodorant. Little surprise the creator declared this would be the last season. It ended on a low point; the lingering shot of Miranda’s toilet full of poo was just way too symbolic. Still, fans undeniably had a hoot picking apart every single “what on earth?” episode. And as Carrie – once again single – twirled around her palatial townhouse to Barry White, who didn’t let out a little sob?
The Kim Kardashian Drama
‘Is Kim Kardashian an actress? Of course she can’t.’
But that was almost the least of this drama's problems. The recipient of a exceedingly uncommon zero star assessment, it was hard to know where to start enumerating the flaws. The hilariously wooden dialogue? The tedious glorification of wealth and materialism? The seemingly deliberate parade of tropes? Performances so poor they felt almost malicious? Let’s just say “all of the above” and forget about this show again. Except, a new season has been ordered, so we’re likely going to have to.
AKA Charlie Sheen
Given the restraining orders, abuse claims and parental shortcomings, it’s reasonable to say Charlie Sheen has been a troubled figure. Not you’d really have gleaned it from this multi-part documentary which chuckled along at Sheen’s various bouts of reckless hedonism while struggling to tell us a single thing we didn’t already know. Instead, it felt as if this loose cannon was being pandered to, so any sympathy this show might induce should be reserved for the people who have had to suffer close contact with this charming but dismissive narcissist.
The Supercomputer Drama
Naturally we understood it was preposterous from the outset: a drama about a AI known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either solve global crises – or annihilate all of humanity. We persevered out of sheer love for its stars … but by the end, it felt like even they had given up trying. One scarcely cared when his character died, and the other ended up slicing Charlie with an axe … in painfully slow-motion. Talk about admitting defeat.
MobLand
Dodgy figures meeting in deserted boxing gyms? A certain band's Firestarter blaring in club scenes? The late 90s called and demands its gangland drama back.
In truth, that is harsh on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many look a bit dated now, but at least they didn’t suffer the embarrassment of having to accommodate baffling dialects. But there were plenty of other problems. Primarily that it was just profoundly boring; a conflict over narcotics territory between various London picaresques which seemed rather simplistic.
The Meghan Markle Series
Considering the extent to which she provokes the ire of certain performatively angry commentators, it’s temptingly easy to admire the Duchess of Sussex’s various forays into quaint lifestyle as intentional provocations. But then you watch them and are forced to concede that actually, they might have a point. It’s like watching a homeware catalogue come to life; a meme for evening drinks with ideas of grandeur; a procession of sleeping dogs, humming beehives, sentimental platitudes and forgettable crafting “hacks” you’ll not remember instantly. All underpinned by vast, mostly undeserved wealth. Ugh.
The Beckham Documentary
There are obviously interesting things to be said about both Victoria Beckham and her struggles with career, self-image, self-acceptance. But for whatever reason, this documentary series opted not to say them. Rather, the experience was akin to consuming a sales brochure. She clearly has good reason to resent what she describes as her “miserable cow” image. But unfortunately, she didn’t do herself any helps with this cagey non-event of a series.
The Game Show
It should have been the next big hit – except even more extravagant, with a glamorous star as a deceased benefactor and a well-known personality overseeing her estate. What more could you want? As players competed, there was plenty of backstabbing and arguing. But the rules quickly became bewildering: it’s still too complicated to detail what precisely was happening. Even more disappointingly, we only saw brief appearances of the star via filmed videos. The series ended up reeking of a programme that was straining desperately to live up to something way beyond it.
Too Much
How do you succeed a show that captured a generation? The pressure was immense for this glitzy romantic comedy about Jessica, a hopeful New Yorker who arrives in London with a shattered romance. The star took her biggest role by the horns and was a delight to watch, embodying Austen levels of romantic notions. But it was all very glossy and, paradoxically, was not enough. Plus, the sheer amount of famous cameos involved felt icky.
Mitchell & Webb Are Not Helping
Not good enough to be ‘uneven’.
Given the smart inclusion of talented younger comics, hopes were high. But unhappily, most of it fell flat. A recurring sketch was a single joke stretched to a dry pulp but repeated in every episode. One star seemed too ready to slip into a well-known irate mode. The writing room sketches, in contrast, simply provoked the idea that they should probably have stayed in there a while longer.
The Twisted Tale of Amanda Knox
This retelling of the story of Amanda Knox was overseen by Amanda Knox and pretty much solely presented the viewpoint of Amanda Knox. So, while there undoubtedly is an compelling drama to be made about the tragic 2007 murder, this isn’t it. The subject matter needed to be treated sensitively. Rather, the series struggled painfully to find the right tone, lumbering from oddly breezy, somewhat mannered farce to ultimately, real-life horror. Complex? Perhaps. A complete mess? Absolutely.
Prime Target
We admire the star … but did we believe him playing the greatest maths genius in history, a man so smart he’s on the brink of a discovery that could ruin society? Nope! This international thriller about secret services spying on – and eliminating – intellectuals honestly got more absurd by the second. Formulaic nonsense.
The Bonnie Blue Documentary
This uncritical portrait followed the content creator notorious for sexual escapades as she undertook her most extreme feat yet. What on earth would motivate her? What we craved was way more examination of her true psychology, plus those of the men in the line. They could at least have spoken to the now-famous mum who showed up to drag her son out of the queue. What we got was horrific imagery and absolutely no interrogation of her infamy whatsoever. And to think, the documentary-maker has a teenage daughter too.